Emotional intelligence (EQ) isn’t an inherent ability. It’s a skill that can be developed over time, no matter a person’s natural inclination. Although many parents focus on academic achievement, they shouldn’t neglect EQ. Some studies show that emotionally intelligent children tend to have better relationships, be more engaged in their classes, and get better grades. Adults tend to have better mental health, higher quality relationships, and a more positive outlook on their jobs. And parents can cultivate these skills when their kids are still babies.
How to Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children
One of the best ways to teach emotional intelligence is by modeling it. “A child needs an environment where they can feel comfortable expressing their inner worlds,” said child psychologist Dustin Plattner to HuffPost. “Parents get the wonderful job of being curious and ready to allow them space for expression. This sets the stage.” EQ is made of five components, according to Daniel Goleman, who popularized the theory in 1995. They are: empathy, inner motivation, self-awareness, self-regulation, and social skills. Children (and adults) who are emotionally intelligent tend to practice these healthy behaviors.
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Parents are Role Models of Emotional Intelligence
Remember, parents are most kids’ role models in all facets of life, including emotional intelligence. Reem Rauda is a Certified Conscious Parenting Coach who has studied over 200 parent-child relationships, according to CNBC. Rauda teaches a way of parenting that takes the position of role model very seriously. With reflection, mindfulness, empathy and other strategies, parents can foster EQ in their children. If they don’t see their kids succeeding in a certain area, this may be a sign they need to work on that skill themselves. Behaviors of emotionally intelligent children include the following:
Labeling Emotions
Emotionally intelligent children are able to name the emotions they are feeling in more detail than just good or bad. They may also understand the source of their emotions. “For example, ‘I feel sad I cannot hang out with my friends,’ ‘I feel so excited I got a new bike,’ ‘I feel really mad at my teacher,’ or ‘I feel scared when dad travels overnight,’” said Plattner. Parents can help expand their vocabulary by pointing out the child’s non-verbal cues, according to Parents. For instance, “I see you’re having trouble falling asleep. Are you feeling nervous about the first day of school?” or “I see you waiting by the window. Are you excited about your friend coming to play?”
Recognizing Others’ Emotions
It’s one thing if a child can recognize feeling embarrassed, but it’s another if they can recognize that embarrassment in someone else, and behave sensitively. Educational psychologist and author Michele Borba recommends that parents point out body language and nonverbal cues. For instance, they can say “he’s smiling; he must be feeling proud,” or “they’re standing by the seesaw; I think they want a turn”. They can also recommend appropriate action, like “he’s crying; let’s ask him why he’s sad” or “she looks anxious about riding the rollercoaster; ask if she wants to hold your hand”.
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Changing Perspectives
Empathy is key for high EQ, and a clear example of it is “putting yourself in someone else’s shows”. Many parents teach this almost instinctively to explain when their child is in the wrong. “How would you feel if Clara pushed you off the swings?” or “Would you like it if someone made fun of you?” Learning how to change perspective fosters connections with others, according to Borba. “It’s also a habit that children need for every part of life… When kids can grasp another’s perspective, they are more likely to be empathetic, handle conflicts peacefully, be less judgmental, value differences, speak up for those who are victimized and act in ways that are more helpful, comforting and supportive of others.”
Practicing Self-Soothing
By nature, children have seemingly explosive emotions. When they are upset or angry, they’ll start screaming, breaking possessions, acting aggressively with others, etc. Kids with higher EQs are less impulsive and more capable of regulating and understanding their feelings. “Children begin highly reactive, but with guidance, instruction, and practice, boys and girls begin to use tools of positive emotional health,” said educator, author, and founder of Growing Happy Kids, Maureen Healy. “Some of those tools may be taking deep breaths, walking away when agitated or learning to use their words to say, ‘I need a break’ versus yelling when angry.”
Apologizing
Apologies aren’t always easy but emotionally intelligent kids can say them after processing their feelings and realizing how the other person feels. It’s a fundamental relationship skill. However, many parents struggle with modeling this particular behavior since saying sorry to kids may feel like they are undermining their authority. But experts like Rauda believe the opposite, saying apologies build mutual trust and respect. It also shows kids that it’s okay to make a mistake and taking accountability is a sign of strength.
Practicing Gratitude
Emotionally intelligent children don’t just say “thank you” when they’re told to. They also don’t return favors just because it’s a social rule; they understand the reciprocity that comes with gratitude. Additionally, they learn to feel grateful for what they have instead of taking everything for granted, and that leads to a more positive outlook. One study found that most 5-year-old children have a preliminary understanding of gratitude, especially those who showed more signs of EQ at age 3 and 4.
Instead of telling kids to parrot thank you, parents can foster appreciation by asking how the situation made them feel. They can also make gratitude a part of the child’s life, such as by asking them what they appreciate at dinnertime or at bedtime, suggests John Hopkins Medicine. And of course, they should model gratitude by pointing out details, such as a kind favor, a beautiful piece of music, and all the reasons why they are grateful for the kids themselves.
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