Children are uniquely affected when they are brought up by narcissists. Now, narcissism exists on a spectrum from minor tendencies to narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). It’s typically categorised by a sense of superiority and prioritization of your own desires over others. This can be followed by grandiosity, a lack of empathy, entitlement, intolerance to criticisms, a constant need for admiration, and tendency for manipulation.
Additionally, narcissists are unable to view others, including their own children, as separate beings with their own wants or feelings, according to Mark Zaslav Ph.D. This often leads to these parents neglecting and abusing their child. They can also gaslight them into believing the treatment is warranted. Therefore, these children grow into adults that struggle with challenges such as:
People-pleasing
People-pleasing can be a helpful survival technique for children living with narcissists. People with narcissistic tendencies don’t respond well to disobedience or disrespect — or anything they perceive as such. Therefore, children may be punished for asking questions, failing to complete their demands, or even standing up for themselves. This teaches kids to people-please and be conflict avoidant. “A child starved for attention may thus adopt the role of parentified confidante,” writes Zaslav on Psychology Today. “In this way, the child becomes the parent, simultaneously disavowing unmet childhood needs.” As adults, they can struggle to maintain healthy boundaries and neglect themselves to cater to those around them, even if that means being taken advantage of.
Trouble Making Decisions
Narcissists have the tendency to invalidate and disparage those around them. According to Eamonn McKay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, many children of narcissists have been told that they can’t do anything right. “This will often result in ‘analysis paralysis,’ a state in which the child or adult can’t make a decision independently, often resolving only with further guidance by the abusive party or some trusted other,” says McKay to HuffPost.
Difficulty Choosing Healthy Partners
Children learn about love and relationships from their primary caregivers, which are usually their parents. But when there’s a toxic dynamic, the kids grow up expecting the same poor treatment from others. They may even feel unsettled and uncomfortable with healthy partners because it doesn’t feel like “real love” to them.
“Kids of narcissistic parents tend to pick partners who are controlling, highly reactive, and self-absorbed, because it’s what’s familiar to them,” says psychiatrist and author Dr. Frank Anderson. “They are usually passive in relationships because they learned to focus on their parent’s needs instead of their own.”
Struggles With Self-Confidence
Narcissists tend to have a false sense of grandeur and superiority over others. They lash out whenever anyone threatens this perceived reality, even if it’s accidental. That can include criticizing and demoralizing their children for the smallest of things so the parent can stay in control. This leaves the kids try to win their approval but constantly failing to meet their unreasonably high standards.
“Many of these children have never experienced unconditional love,” says Anderson. “The recognition they received was conditional and tied to vigilantly focusing on their parents’ wellbeing. They tend to be conflict avoidant, struggle to speak up as adults, and fear anger and rejection when someone is upset with them.”
Feeling Responsible For Other‘s Emotions
Narcissistic parents may depend on their kids for emotional support and validation, and they use manipulation to make the children feel accountable for the parents’ action. They may make the child feel guilty by saying they are selfish, malicious, and cruel for not fulfilling this role. It’s hard not to fall into this dynamic as a default in adulthood.
“Without learning to separate themselves from others’ emotional state[s], they become caretakers for other people’s feelings without ever having to be asked,” says Heather Stevenson, a licensed clinical psychologist in New York City. ”This can show up in relationships with friends, significant others, even coworkers, where they will feel responsible for making other people happy and have a hard time saying no or advocating for themselves even if it comes at a cost.”
Narcissistic traits
The cycle of abuse is difficult to discuss because humans prefer clear-cut villains and heroes with no gray area. But the truth is that victims can also become perpetrators. Even people who are determined to break the cycle of abuse may slip up because they grew up in a toxic environment with poor role models. They have behaviors to unlearn while they develop healthy traits and positive relationships with others. In the same vein, children of narcissists can exhibit narcissistic behaviors as they grow up like selfishness, hypersensitivity, and unhealthy competitiveness, according to Eleesha Lockett, MS, on Healthline.
Mental health conditions
Unfortunately, children of narcissists are more likely to experience mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, addiction, eating disorders, and PTSD. Even those without these disorders are likely to suffer from poor self-esteem and self-worth, and believe they have deserved the abuse and neglect. Therefore, many can benefit from therapy or support groups to validate their experiences, notice unhealthy patterns, and practise self-compassion. Journaling may also be cathartic.
Believing you deserve joy
Children of narcissists can grow up and continue to acceptance their parents’ manipulation. Although it’s difficult to recover from such a childhood, it’s doable and worthwhile. “If you were the child of a narcissistic parent, remember: you are worthy and deserving of good things,” writes Shahida Arabi, MA in her book Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists: Essays on the Invisible War Zone and Exercises for Recovery. “…Your toxic shame is lying to you. Just because you did not experience the joy you truly deserved in the past does not mean you did not deserve it or that you have to deprive yourself of happiness now…”
Read More: Is Your Partner ‘Future Faking’? Psychologist Explains Signs And Why Narcissists Commonly Do It