For some couples, sleeping in the same bed is highly overrated. Of course, they may enjoy cuddling and spending intimate time together before bedtime. However, sleep is another story. People snore, squirm, overheat, steal the blanket, spread out, or even sleep-talk. One partner likes a cold room and a firm mattress, while the other prefers a warm room and soft mattress. One may be able to sleep through the apocalypse while the other wakes at the sound of a pin drop. Just because a couple is perfectly compatible in all areas of their relationship doesn’t mean they are compatible bed buddies.
Should Couples Sleep in the Same Bed?
In films, a couple sleeping in different beds or rooms is often coded for ‘their relationship is failing.’ However, this is often not the case in real life. In fact, sleep scientist Wendy M. Troxel, Ph.D., explained that many people ask her “if it’s bad that they and their partner sleep apart.”
“There’s a lot of pressure around the meaning of the shared bed, but this is largely a socially constructed belief system, not science-based,” she explained. “…Sleep in the real world is often noisy, interrupted and most, importantly, shared. Couples of all types — straight, gay, young, old, healthy couples or those facing illness — experience all sorts of challenges when it comes to the shared sleep experience.” [1]
And despite the stigma, more and more people are trying “sleep divorce,” an ugly term that connotes a distancing relationship when this is far from the case. “People are losing sleep. They are waking each other up, and there is this resentment that begins to build in a relationship,” said Jill Lankler, a New York clinical psychologist and life coach. “If you don’t address that, obviously your relationship is going to suffer, your work suffers. It’s this cascade.”
Read: Six Reasons Why Wedding Rings Matter More than You Think
When is Sleeping Apart a Bad Sign?
However, despite the poor sleep quality, some couples don’t want to give up the closeness and intimacy of sleeping in the same bed. Lankler helps couples work through the fear of separation through open and honest conversations. Often, their relationship could actually improve when there are no arguments about the thermostat when to turn off the lights, and no one is mentally noting how often they wake each other up.
But while there are many benefits to sleeping apart, there are instances where it does indicate a lull in the relationship. For instance, if a couple chooses to sleep apart and doesn’t discuss why, this could be a bad sign. “It’s very easy to be ships in the night when you’re trying to live and work and raise kids,” said Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, a New York attorney at Warshaw Burstein who practices matrimonial and family law. “If you don’t have any point of contact with your spouse … it’s very easy to lose any sort of sense that you are more than just a co-parenting, working team.” [2]
Communication is key because sleeping in the same bed automatically gives the couple time together that sleeping apart may not. Therefore, it’s vital that the couple finds other means to spend time together, whether it’s adding cuddling or intercourse to their pre-bed routine or adding dates into their schedule.
“I find that when each partner schedules time for sex, more effort and thought goes into the experience,” said Alicia Sinclair, certified sex educator at b-Vibe and Le Wand. “A scheduled event allows each partner to clear their calendar, plan sexy things ahead and reserve energy so they can fully focus on each other.” [3]
Cultivate Closeness While Sleeping Apart
Additionally, communication is needed to balance the different sleeping habits. For instance, a couple could include a night owl and a morning lark and their schedules don’t line up naturally. So add moments together, such as spending time together before the lark goes to sleep. Meanwhile, the lark could plan their morning around when the owl wakes up so they could eat breakfast or sip coffee together. After all, healthy relationships are full of compromises, and mismatched sleeping habits aren’t different from any other instance.
Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for couples when it comes to sleep. “That said, all couples should make sleep a priority — for both of them. After all, sleep occupies about one-third of our lives. Proportionally, that takes up a major part of our lives as a couple, much more so than sex, and yet our sleep lives receive so much less attention than our sex lives,” said Troxel.
“Research shows that when you are well-rested, you’re a better communicator, happier, more empathic, more attractive, and funnier — all important attributes in developing and sustaining strong relationships.”
Keep Reading: The Story of the ‘World’s longest Down’s Syndrome marriage’
Sources:
1. “Is sleeping in separate beds bad for your relationship? A sleep scientist answers.” TED. Wendy M. Trozel PhD.
2. “Why so many married couples are sleeping in separate beds.” USA Today. Ryan W. Miller.
3. “Can Sleeping in Separate Beds Actually Be Good for Your Relationship?” NBC News. Scott Muska.