Living together is an important and arguably the biggest step in the progression of most romantic relationships. It needs responsibilities and roles like chores divvied up for it to work properly.
Living with our parents or living alone is completely different. In those households, chores were done according to the rules set by the heads in those families. Now, we will have to make those decisions and set those rules. Most of the time, it needs compromise. Other matters like budgeting also take on a very important role.
Every person has their own traditions, preferences, and skills. And two people getting together to live together means finding a new common ground between the two. It needs understanding and communication.
But suppose one person in the new household does not know how to do any household chores? How smart of a move will it be to start living together with such a person?
This is the situation that u/napsandhugs, a Redditor, faced when she was considering moving in with her partner. So she brought her predicament to the subreddit r/AmITheAsshole. She wanted to know if she was being an ‘a-hole’ for expecting his boyfriend to be a bit more proactive in learning how to do chores before signing a lease.
Never Had To Do Any Chores
u/napsandhugs, or NaH for short, began by explaining that she is 20 years old and her boyfriend is 24. She lives in an apartment by herself while her partner lives in his parents’ house. They are looking for a bigger place where they can live together.
However, in the course of a conversation, NaH’s partner revealed that his mother did every single chore in his life:
“Turns out, his mom does everything. And I do mean everything. He can’t cook anything, doesn’t know how to clean anything, never had to budget his money…
I told him I didn’t want to move in with him until he could at least do the basic things.”Reddit
We are known to go to great lengths for the people we love. So much so, that it is almost expected that sacrifice is a big part of successful relationships. From the outside, NaH’s decision might seem selfish, or too self-centered. But there is more to the story.
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What Should She Have Done?
She noticed that she ran the risk of becoming a replacement for his mother when they move in together. She was also afraid that she may not be able to escape after signing the lease. As a result, she was not up to living together with a person who did not know even the most basic of chores.
The boyfriend wanted NaH to teach him about the chores after they began living together. She was willing to teach her boyfriend about most of the chores apart from cleaning. And after getting the handle on the basic chores, they can start living together. His boyfriend, on the other hand, took it as a sign that she did not care for him as much:
“I told him that I enjoy cooking, and if he spends weekends here I’d have no problem teaching him then. But he needs to learn the basics of cleaning somewhere else. And that maybe we should wait a bit before getting an apartment together.
He doesn’t like that, at all. He’s annoyed that I don’t trust him to learn these things, and that I don’t want to teach him, so I must not care about him that much.”– Reddit
She explained that she felt she was too busy to teach him how to do chores. And that she was uncomfortable being in that role as well. So she advised him to get the help of his mother, but he was unwilling there as well. In her words, her boyfriend wants them to “figure it out”.
The majority of Redditors took NaH’s side. Most of them believed that the partner was expecting too much from NaH, especially since he was being adamant even to learn how to do the chores:
“NTA [not the a**hole]…. those are not hard things to learn. YouTube exists. He’s 24, I understand the hesitation on wanting to move in with him…”
However, even if there was an overwhelming minority, some comments did say that NaH was the asshole for not willing to help him learn:
“I’m clearly in the minority here. I think you’re being reasonable and smart to say you don’t want to move in together until he gets himself together. But I don’t see the argument for not helping him learn. You can show him what to do without becoming his maid. His mom clearly isn’t going to help him be more independent.”
And finally, there were some who said that the decision really lies with the individual:
“NAH. If you dont want to teach him, don’t teach him. That’s fair and there’s no big moral issue here. It’s also perfectly reasonable for him to ask for your help and to wonder about how life would be like with you if that’s your approach. He wouldn’t be an asshole for deciding that’s not the sort of relationship he wants. Fair on both sides.”horsendogguy
At the end of the day, we don’t think there is a very clear answer to this situation. However, we do agree that everyone should have some idea of how to do the most basic chores. Let us know what you think about this in the comments!
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Attention: While many of these stories are interesting, and we would love to take their word for it, the content in this article was taken from an unverifiable source (i.e., a Reddit forum). As such, we cannot guarantee that these events truly happened in the way that they are described in the original source.