Mothers would do anything for their kids. They are self-sacrificing and unconditionally loving. Except for the ones that aren’t. There are many reasons why some mothers are neglectful, self-serving, and spiteful. One reason is narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or narcissistic character traits. Narcissistic mothers need constant praise and admiration, and have an exaggerated sense of grandeur and a lack of empathy. This leads to toxic patterns of behavior that negatively impact their children.
The symptoms of a narcissistic mother
Narcissism can exist on a spectrum. However, people with NPD may experience symptoms such as an inflated sense of importance, constant entitlement, a need to be admired and revered, a lack of empathy, and a tendency to manipulate and exploit others, according to a 2024 study. Narcissistic mothers in particular may abuse their children through guilt-tripping, shifting blame, invalidation, unreasonably high expectations, controlling behavior, and neglect. Although every family is different, they tend to use specific phrases that haunt their kids into adulthood.
“You are unworthy of my love”
This phrase isn’t usually said aloud, but the mothers’ behaviors make it perfectly clear. Love isn’t unconditional; it has to be earned. However, no matter how much unrelenting support, appreciation, and obedience the child gives, it is never enough to make them worthy.
“You are malicious”
Narcissistic mothers tend to make everything about themselves. As an extension of that, they take everything personally. So a joke at their expense is a direct attack, and accidentally breaking their belongings is deliberate sabotage. Therefore, they may jump to anger or despair no matter the other person’s intention.
“Say you’re sorry”
These mothers may expect apologies for even the slightest of offenses. They may misconstrue a neutral comment or action, then demand an apology for maliciously hurting them. Unfortunately, they may never accept the apology once they receive it.
“You’re not as good as your siblings or peers”
They may create toxic relationships among their children by comparing them and pitting them against each other. They may also choose a “golden child” who is the clear favorite while making the other a scapegoat.
“You must be impressive to others”
Narcissistic people often place their self-worth on their reputation and public perception. So they may use their children to boost their appearance by bragging about their accomplishments. However, the praise ends behind closed doors where they berate their kids for not being even more accomplished.
Read More: 10 Things To Help Adult Children Heal From Narcissistic Parents
“You are ugly/fat”
Physical appearance is important to narcissistic mothers, especially if they use it to attract attention. So they may view their daughters’ beauty as a threat, and try to critisize them to lower their confidence when it comes to their bodies.
“You need to lose weight”
On the flipside, mothers may demand physical perfection so their daughters can become another brag. All the while, narcissistic mothers may instill the belief that women are only valued for their beauty and ability to please men. This can lead to body image issues and a low sense of self-worth.
“You are overreacting”
Narcissists can display large bursts of emotion when they feel upset or angry. This can include screaming, meltdowns, and even physical abuse. Meanwhile, these same mothers will demean and dismiss their children’s emotions, no matter how valid they are.
“[Other person] agrees with me that you are…”
Fill in the blank with any negative trait from laziness to vanity. Narcissistic mothers may use other people to triangulate to sound “more convincing”. After all, if another person agrees with her, then she must be right (regardless if they actually said that or not).
“This is your fault”
Narcissists are unable to take responsibility for their mistakes and failures. Even if the reasoning is illogical, the blame always lies with someone else. In that way, narcissistic mothers can blame and guilt-trip their children for things outside of their control. Examples include “It’s your fault I have a headache” or “I would’ve been more successful if I didn’t have to deal with you.”
“You owe me”
Narcissists tend to grandify their deeds, no matter how small or bare-minimum they are, in order to manipulate others. So young children may feel guilty about how much their mothers did for them since infancy. These mothers may believe that because they provided food, clothes, and shelter, they are owed support and obedience without any thought to the child’s feelings.
“But actually…”
Children may feel invalidated when trying to talk about their interests, because the narcissistic mothers may hijack the conversation. Narcissists often feel insecure when others are smarter or more knowledgable than them, so they will correct, criticize, or interrupt in order to act like they know better.
“You have opportunities I’ve never had…”
Healthy parents want their children to succeed. But narcissistic parents want their children to succeed on their terms. So instead of encouraging kids to pursue their own ambitions, they are expected to fulfill their parents’ dreams. For instance, a child may be forced to become a doctor or musician even though they prefer other occupations.
“You must get straight As”
It may not be top grades but rather winning competitions and getting into prestigious schools. Whatever the situation, the mother places unreasonable pressure onto her children to succeed, without accounting for their preferences, abilities, and all of the factors out of their control.
“If you don’t listen, I will cut you off”
Mothers with narcissism may use ultimatums and extreme rewards and punishments in order to manipulate and control their children. They may present ultimatums (“You will take the courses I want or I won’t pay for college”) that take away the kids’ ability to choose. However, these mothers can later claim “you chose to go college” and deny the threat of punishment had any influence on the decision.
“I can’t live without you”
Sometimes narcissistic mothers expect their children to take care of them, whether emotionally, physically, or financially, according to Preston Ni M.S.B.A.. They may enforce a dynamic of dependency or codependency, and believe their children are obligated to sacrifice their own wants and needs for the sake of their mother.
“I can’t stand your partner”
Unhealthy mothers may view their children’s romantic partners as threats, since they may undermine the mothers’ control over their kids’ lives. This can lead to situations where the moms pick fights and try to sabotage the relationship. They may also try to guilt their kids for “abandoning them” in an effort to make them break up.
“I do so much for you and you are ungrateful”
Narcissists tend to view their good deeds as transactional. They may keep track of their favors and gifts, and use them to guilt and manipulate their children into doing what they want. Kids may begin to feel wary when their moms act generously because they know there’s a catch.
“My problems are much worse than yours”
Narcissistic mothers tend to relish their own martyrdom. They may boast about how hard they work and how much they suffer in a bid for attention and admiration. They may exaggerate their problems or undermine those of others to keep the spotlight on themselves.
“You are selfish”
Because of their egocentric worldview, narcissists tend to view their children as extensions of themselves, not as individuals with their own goals. So when their kids try to mature and discover their own interests, the mothers may call them selfish to make them feel guilty. They may also call the children selfish for daring to stand up for themselves.
“You misunderstood me”
Since the blame can never be on themselves, narcissistic mothers twist situations to incriminate others. Their interpretation of a situation is always the correct one, even if it were far from the truth. They use gaslighting to make their children doubt their memories so the mother will always “be right”.
“You made that up”
Confronting mothers about their narcissism is difficult and often fruitless. In their minds, they have truly done nothing wrong, and if other people are saying they did, then they are lying. This is why adults trying to recover from a childhood with an abusive and narcissistic parent shouldn’t expect an apology if they try to reconcile, according to WebMD.
Read More: Narcissistic Children Are Raised By Parents Who Do These 8 Things
“You deserve cruelty”
This may never be stated but it is strongly implied. The mother may insult the child, overtly or covertly, and slowly strip away their confidence and self-worth. Over time, the child may believe they are inherently flawed and thereby deserving of the mother’s poor treatment.
“You will never be good enough”
A child can work hard trying to meet their mother’s unattainable standards, and yet never receive any compliment on their efforts, only disdain for their failure. Even if a child somehow succeeds, they are not safe from criticism. Because no matter what they do, they can’t cure their mother of her unrelenting insecurity and need for admiration. They can’t change how she feels about herself, and thereby how she feels about them.
“You’ll never amount to anything”
Narcissistic mothers may create a codependent dynamic with their children by demeaning them while saying they alone truly care about them. Some may establish a codependent relationship by enabling their children’s immaturity, underachievement, addiction, irresponsibility, poor physical and mental health, etc.
“I’m better than you”
Some mothers with narcissism feel threatened by their children and are compelled to “compete” with them. While most parents are happy to see their kids surpass their achievements, this can unbalance a narcissist’s sense of self. They may try to rectify it by belittling and critiquing the child.
“You’re an embarrassment”
Because these moms base their self-worth on other people’s admiration and attention, they expect their children to boost their image. Although failing and struggling is a normal part of life, parents with narcissism will berate their children for not making them look good to others. As a result, some kids may be instructed to “be invisible” during public events so they don’t “embarrass the family”.
“I’m more important than you”
This is perhaps one of the most quintessential motifs for narcissists. They may not say it in those words, but they say it in many others. Such as “my weekend plans are more important than your soccer game,” “my hobbies are more important than spending time with you,” or “my grief at a funeral is more important than yours.”
“You’re just like [an unlikeable person]”
These mothers may compare their children to people they don’t approve of, but they may also deliberately name people the child hates. Not only does this phrase attack the kid’s identity, but it also fosters a sense of self-loathing based on the hatred they have for the individual they’re being compared to.
“You’re not capable of making good decisions”
Narcissistic mothers may undermine their children’s decision-making skills in order to foster their dependence on them. If an adult doesn’t feel confident when making choices, they are more likely to obey their mothers. This tactic keeps the child under the mother’s control, even as they age.
“Don’t waste your time. It’s probably too hard for you”
These mothers hide biting insults behind “constructive advice”. So if a child expresses hurt, their moms can claim they were just giving advice and blame the child for being too sensitive and unrealistic.
“You’re really annoying me. Be quiet!”
All kids annoy their parents at one time or another. However, narcissistic parents will guilt and demean their children in response. While other parents might explain why the child needs to settle down, narcissists will use the opportunity to make the child feel bad about themselves without teaching them how to behave better.
“Go ahead and try your way. When you fail, you’ll see I’m right”
This sort of speech undermines the person’s confidence in their abilities. Narcissists need to always be right, so even if the child succeeds, they may find a way to belittle them and make them feel stupid for not obeying them.
“You could have done better if you had listened to me”
Similarly, narcissists will take failures and “rub it in” their children’s faces in order to boost their own ego. In doing so, these mothers celebrate their kids’ failures because it makes them feel better about themselves in comparison.
“When I was a kid, I never would never have done that”
Narcissistic mothers may paint a picture of themselves being the ideal child. Whether the anecdotes are accurate or not, they are meant to make their children feel bad about themselves. It’s also a method of self-grandialization, where the mother can directly compare herself to youngsters without sounding too unfair or unreasonable.
“You’re always so busy with your own life that you don’t even think about me”
Mothers with narcissism weaponize guilt to make their kids do what they want. Instead of simply asking, they will make the child feel terrible for not having already done it. This can make the child hyper-sensitive to their mom’s desires in order to protect themselves from more guilt.
“You don’t deserve to be happy”
Like love, narcissistic mothers may teach their children that they don’t deserve unconditional happiness in life. This can lead to feelings of low self-worth. Even worse, it can make the child feel guilty when things are going well for them because “they don’t deserve it”. Internalized beliefs like these perpetuate the mothers’ abuse even when she isn’t there.
“You’re the reason I’m unhappy”
When something goes wrong in these mothers’ lives, it’s their children’s fault. But when something goes right, it’s because of their own effort. But children can feel compelled to people-please in order to rectify the mothers’ unhappiness. This can lead to a toxic cycle where the child tries (and most likely fails) to fix a problem that has nothing to do with them.
“You’re so slow. Because of you, everyone has to wait”
These moms may be quick to point out when a child inconveniences others. Moreover, the mothers may convince them that others resent them as a result. The child can grow up ignoring their own needs and feel uncomfortable asking for favors, even from people who would be overjoyed to help them.
“I’m so tired of doing everything for you”
Narcissists may jump to volunteer and participate in school events. But they do it for their own gratification. If they don’t receive the attention and gratitude they expect, they may feel their time and energy has been wasted. They then can take out that anger on their children, who may have never asked for their involvement.
Read More: 7 Issues Children of Narcissists Most Often Talk About in Therapy
“Nobody cares about your feelings”
Not only may narcissistic mothers dismiss their children’s emotions, they may convince them that everyone else would as well. These moms rationalize their behavior by insisting it’s what everyone else does. They may gaslight the kids into thinking they are irrational for expecting care and validation. This makes building healthy relationships even harder when they become adults.
“You’re too needy”
Narcissists are inconsistent parents, who may love-bomb one moment, verbally abuse the next, then neglect for a long while. This inconsistency can make kids feel insecure since they don’t know what to expect. They may have long-standing fears of being abandoned or rejected. But as usual, the mothers will blame them for being “too needy” instead of reflecting on their actions.
“You’re trying to make me mad”
Despite the kids’ efforts to placate, the mothers focus on their shortcomings and take them personally. They may fixate on small details, and lash out if things aren’t done perfectly. These mothers can weaponize this irritability and inflexibility to control their kids, and force them to walk on eggshells to keep them happy, according to a 2021 study.
“I’m a better parent than you’ll ever be”
Narcissistic mothers may degrade their children to boost their ego in all sorts of matters, like academics and althetisms. And parenting. Because if a child tries to confront their mom about their upbringing, they may face a barrage of defenses and attacks, including an insult about the child’s own parenting methods, or lack of offspring. This can especially hurt if the child is working to heal and undo the cycle of abuse.
How to respond to narcissistic mothers
Growing up with narcissistic mothers impacts everyone differently, even within the same families. However, common effects include low self-esteem, chronic guilt, depression, anxiety, poor emotional regulation, a tendency to manipulate, as well as toxic adult relationships, according to Very Well Health.
For some people, cutting contact with their mothers is key to their healing. But it is possible to maintain the relationship without it causing further emotional damage. It’s advisable to seek professional help from a counselor or therapist for strategies for recovering from childhood and for reinventing the mother-child relationship to involve boundaries and healthier dynamics.