People Who Act Nice But Are Actually Mean Display These 10 Subtle Behaviors

It’s easy to spot overtly mean people. Their actions reek of hostility, cattiness, and even cruelty. However, it’s trickier to notice the subtlely mean people. They may seem nice on the surface but there’s something off about it. You feel confused or bad about yourself when you’re around them, even though they don’t actually insult you. They act like they love you, but not all of the time, and you might feel like you’re overreacting or reading too much into their behavior. For that reason, subtlely mean people can be more sinister than overtly mean because their tactics can fall under the radar and have further-reaching effects. These methods can include:

Gossip

Habitual gossipers tend to be two-faced since they may act friendly to get information only to spill it to others. They will seem nice and caring to a person only to mock and insult them behind their back. To make matters worse, they’d often excuse gossip by saying they are speaking out of concern for the person. But the truth is, genuinely concerned friends would confront the subject directly, or speak only to people who can help them, not blab to anyone who would listen.

Read More: Single Father Households May Fare Better Than Single Mother Ones, and There are Interesting Reasons Why

Backhanded compliments

Backhanded compliments are often used as tools to undermine a person’s confidence while pretending to be nice. The compliments are surface-level and don’t negate the underlying insult. Examples include things like “I wish I was as chill as you are about messiness.” “You look great for your age.” “I wish I had the time to relax like you do.” “I love how you don’t care what other people think of you.” 

Be condescending 

Sometimes backhanded compliments sound like regular compliments but with a condescending tone. Someone can say an outfit is “cute” meaning “youthful and flattering” or they say “cute” to mean “childish and unattractive.” But it’s difficult to call out this behavior because fake nice people would defend themselves saying it was just a compliment. 

Other examples of condescending behavior include explaining things people already know, nitpicking others’ mistakes, using demeaning nicknames, or acting like their emotions or ideas are superior to others. Fake nice people may defend themselves by saying they were trying to be helpful or friendly, but genuine helpful and friendly behavior makes other people feel uplifted and good about themselves, not the opposite. 

Mean sense of humor

Fake nice people hide their cruelty behind jokes and pranks. They do something mean then try to evade the consequences by blaming the other person for being too sensitive or incapable of taking a joke. But the reality is they are not making jokes everyone could laugh at; they only care about amusing themselves (and sometimes impressing others)  and they don’t care if it involves stepping on friends and loved ones.

Constant drama

Drama tends to follow certain people. But when you look closely, you may notice they are actually chasing drama. They create conflict by “stirring the pot” and triggering emotions. They thrive in the chaos though they may be the first to complain about the drama. Keep in mind, constant drama is antithetical to stable relationships, especially when there is no real resolution so the problem keeps recurring.

Manipulation

Toxic people often use manipulation to get what they want. This could involve exaggerating, lying by omission, or bending the truth to make themselves look good or to convince others to act a certain way. Victims of manipulation may feel taken advantage of, and like they can’t depend on the person to be truthful. They may not notice the manipulation until they see someone else fall for it. 

Read More: Should Couples Fart In Front Of Each Other? Here’s What Marriage Experts Think

Unpredictable moods

Everyone has mood fluctuations, but fake nice people seem to take it to an extreme. Healthy friends in a bad mood try not to take out their frustrations on others, and if they do, they apologize for it. However, when toxic people are in a bad mood, they tend to make others feel responsible for their emotions, making them walk on eggshells as they try to cheer them up. This can create insecurity in the relationship since their friendliness and generosity depends on how they feel on a particular day. 

Passive-aggression

Since toxic people tend to have difficulties managing their emotions, they lash out through passive-aggression. This follows the pattern of faking niceness since they won’t outright cause a confrontation. Instead, they’ll allow their displeasure to seep through jabs, subtle digs, and the silent treatment. To make matters worse, they may not admit anything is wrong. It can be a challenge to figure out who they are on good terms with, which can lead to awkward situations and more walking on eggshells. 

Avoid accountability

A recurring element of many of these traits is the unwillingness to take accountability. Toxic people want to seem nice while acting mean, and they will deny the meanness to protect their image. They’ll blame others for their behavior, saying they are too sensitive, overreactive, dramatic, insecure, etc. In other words, it’s not their actions but others’ reactions that are the problem. Even if they can’t excuse their actions, they’ll play the victim by acting offended by the confrontation, and even force the other person to apologize to them. 

Conditional kindness

Above all, truly nice people act kind because they want to be kind. Fake nice people act kind to benefit themselves. As a result, their kindness depends on how people serve them. They seem to rely on a “tit-for-tat” kindness system while genuinely nice people do kind things without expecting anything in return. They show up because they care, not because they have to, or because they want some kind of reward.

People that seem nice and are nice

Fake nice people can be difficult to spot; it may even be difficult to find specific examples of them being hurtful. But notice how people make you feel. If you feel insecure, confused, or walk on eggshells around a person, there’s a chance they are not being truly nice. Instead, surround yourself with people who bolster your confidence, enjoy spending time with you, and are supportive even when they point out your flaws.  And in return, be genuine and kind to them. If you exhibit toxic behaviors, take steps to acknowledge them, reflect, take responsibility, and improve.

Read More: Miss Switzerland Finalist and Her Husband Had a ‘Perfect Family’ Before He Murdered Her and ‘Pureed’ Her Body in a Blender