It’s universally known that it’s harder to make friends as you get older. However, what’s less acknowledged is the difficulty of maintaining these friendships. As much as you might cherish them, you’ll see and speak to your friends less often. Life will get in the way. Suddenly, years have gone by without contact. There was no relationship-ending fight; you had just drifted apart. Although losing friends can feel painful, there are many reasons why this happens to most adults.
New priorities
For teenagers and young adults, friends are their life. They are a major focus, and the first choice for validation, consolation, and fun. They are the ones you look forward to seeing at school or after work. But over time, other relationships take precedence. This could be a significant other and children, or family members such as parents or siblings that you can connect with as adults. Actually, people overall may become less of a priority as you begin to focus on self development and pursuits that make you feel happy and fulfilled.
“Many adults over 50 have family as a priority, especially if they have children and work,” says Aura De Los Santos, clinical and educational psychologist, to Parade. “Daily life, household chores and other family situations may leave little time for conversation and reconnecting with friends.”
Distance
Physical distance often leads to emotional distance. It’s easier to feel connected over an hour-long coffee date compared to an hour-long phone conversation. But as people age, their locations change. They may move cities or even countries for a multitude of reasons from a new job, to affordable housing, to fulfilling a lifelong dream. Distance makes staying in touch increasingly difficult because it takes more time and effort.
Online vs in-person
Although technology allows for connection like never before, it can’t replace face-to-face interactions. “Our natural psychology is small, very small, like a village,” says Robin Dunbar, a professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford, to CNN. “The internet may allow you to keep relationships going over a much wider geographical area, but [for now], a shoulder 2,000 miles away isn’t as good to cry on.”
New interests
Friends don’t need to share hobbies to be close but it does help. Especially if a friendship was built on one. But interests change. Ravenous reading can turn into only a few books a year. Vigorous sports may be swapped for more casual ones. And while you may have once eaten up celebrity gossip, you couldn’t care less anymore. As interests change, you may find new people more on your wavelength. You may still love your old friends, but you can’t seem to have fun with them like in the good old days.
You change
Aging and life experiences naturally change people until they are no longer recognizable. A pair of friends may have been able to read each other’s minds, but after a while, they can barely understand each other. Alternatively, they may ignore the your personal changes, and struggle to see you for who you are now. This is not out of malice; they just don’t know how to adjust. Especially if they wouldn’t have ever befriended the new version.
They change
On the flipside, a friend could change and feel unrecognizable to you. Yes, you’re still glad to see them happy and successful but the unfamiliarity creates a rift between you two. It’s not anyone’s fault; but you feel less comfortable being vulnerable with this version of your friend. And you’re therefore less eager to share your good news with them because you appreciate other people’s validation and adoration over theirs. They’ll still be happy for you, but it’s just not the same anymore.
Read More: 7 Things Only Best Friends Would Do For You
Busy schedules
You and your friend may still be in sync emotionally, love spending time together, and can basically read each other’s minds, and still drift apart. These lost friendships are painful because you miss them and yearn for them. But you’re both just too busy. Life gets in the way. You both may feel exhausted as you juggle more responsibilities than you feel you can handle. At the end of the day, you don’t have energy to reach out, even though you badly want to.
Conflicts and grudges
Even the best of friends quarrel from time to time. But without proper resolution, these spats can morph into grudges and bigger conflicts later on. As time goes on, resentment can grow, and since your energy is more limited, you’re less inclined to waste it on someone who leaves a bad taste in your mouth.
It’s after graduation
Your life stages may have been similar when you were younger, like in high school, college, or even during jobs. But this can change quickly as you both pursue different goals.
“...When we are in high school and college, it is easier to make friends because we are surrounded by groups of people with similar interests,” says Dr. Suzana E. Flores, clinical psychologist and author of Facehooked: How Facebook Affects Our Emotions, Relationships, and Our Lives, tells Bustle. “However, as we get older, we lose this access and have to decide whether or not to befriend coworkers, which may come with its own complications.”
Different life stages
Suddenly, one of you is a parent and can relate more easily to other new parents. Or you are burning the midnight oil at a job and you prefer to commiserate with your colleagues than your old friend. Or one of you is married while the other is perpetualy single. Different life stages can make friendships harder to maintain because there’s less common ground. You may want to support each other but it’s hard to listen to frequent rants about baby sleep schedules, annoying coworkers, bad dating choices, or other topics you can’t relate to.
Time to let go
All in all, it’s okay to lose friends. It’s natural, and not everyone needs a large social circle. However, it’s important to stay connected with loving and supportive people, but because of life’s new limitations, you can be particular about who you keep close. For instance, let go of people who don’t put effort into your friendship, are untrustworthy, are difficult to contact, or make you feel bad about yourself. You can still love them from afar and send holiday cards, while understanding you won’t be close as you once were.
“It is not often talked about, but there is such a thing as grieving the loss of a friendship,” says De Los Santos. “When you lose a friend, you not only lose someone, you also lose the memories you created with that person. Live your grief and take your time to heal.”
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