“Sorry, I should’ve done better.” Those were the last words spoken by Jamie’s father in the spine-tingling series everyone is talking about — Adolescence. As narrated by a concerned mother: As I blubbered into my doona, I made a promise to myself that I would never have to say this to my son. I ran into his room, sat on the end of his bed, and asked him questions I had never thought to ask before. Here’s what I learned…
The Absence of the “Obvious, Traumatic Thing” – Not in Adolescence
The most powerful aspect of this brilliant piece of social commentary that’s been overlooked is the absence of the “obvious, traumatic thing” that usually pushes someone to murder. In a very realistic contrast, Adolescence depicts the layered, subtle factors contributing to an unfathomable crime — a wake-up call our society desperately needs.
A Wake-Up Call for Parents After Watching Adolescence
To be honest, I’ve been jolted into action. It has ignited the detective in me and made me wonder what our boys are experiencing in secret, right under our noses. In the case of the main character, Jamie (based on a true story), it’s uncovered during his session with his assigned female psychologist that he’s grappling with a deep yearning to be accepted for who he is.
Boys Are Hard to Read
Like most of our boys, we often see them bounce between defensiveness and vulnerability, and we can’t keep up. It can be frustrating, even triggering, and my default as a mother has usually been to shut it down. I perceive these outbursts as “bad behavior” and tend to focus on that rather than what’s underneath it. But after watching Adolescence, I get it now.
The Power of Listening Without Judgment
If I can learn anything from this show, it’s how Jamie’s psychologist listens by holding space for him even when he becomes extremely aggressive—to the point of terrifying her. He is just a child, after all. She doesn’t tell him off, doesn’t judge, but asks questions that allow him to open up. This is everything I want to be as a mother. To be patient, to not be triggered, to enforce clear boundaries encompassing love and curiosity.
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“What You Think is More Important to Me Than What is True”
When she said, “What you think is more important to me than what is true,” I watched his armor fall away because his feelings were finally being validated. I wanted to hug him like he was my own. This quote is saved in my notes and will be used in future conversations with my kids.
Do You Like Me?
The psychologist manages to stay calm and not react to his aggression, allowing Jamie to feel safe enough to take off his mask. He shares his feelings about his disconnect with his father, the toxic influence of social media, and his negative view of himself. My heart was in my stomach, thinking that perhaps my own child has these thoughts, and I am none the wiser. The kicker was when he asked her, “Do you like me?” WOW.
He had been vulnerable, aggressive, shared his inner feelings, and all he really needed to know was if she approved of him as a person. An imperfect child. Exactly that—a child who is learning. As most of us do with our own children, I often forget this.
Our Boys Are Struggling
As a long-standing supporter of The Man Cave, a program in schools teaching and promoting healthy masculinity to young boys from years 7-12, I have observed boys at their most vulnerable. It’s been eye-opening, to say the least. It is clear that it is a confusing time for our boys. They are well aware that society often views men as inherently bad, and that burden is heavy.
The Weight of Society’s Expectations
As young boys enter the world of adulthood, they feel helpless and responsible for things they haven’t contributed to. Some young boys are too afraid to kiss their girlfriends or initiate intimacy for fear of being accused of non-consensual behavior.
It’s heartbreaking to hear them talk about the pressure they experience around expectations and fear of failure. The word “useless” is used to describe themselves all too often. It doesn’t discriminate between public or private schools; it’s all the same. My son is only ten, and I don’t want him to carry these burdens into adolescence.
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Our Boys Need Their Fathers
It’s clear that our boys crave a sense of belonging. They are searching for acceptance and connection. Our boys need their dads. They need their dad’s time, love through affection, affirmation, and approval. If it’s not Dad, then let’s bring in a coach, a male teacher, or a stepfather. But while they search for this, they stay where it’s safe … behind a mask, and this is where it can all go horribly wrong.
The Masks They Wear
With their masks on, they’re tough. They solve their own problems, and it’s all about banter, girls, and sports. It’s safe but isolating and dangerous. When they take their masks off, they open up, share their real emotions, and ask for help. It’s liberating, but to them, it’s risky. And sometimes, for fear of rejection, it’s not worth the risk.
The Three Questions I Asked My Son
As I sat at the end of my son’s bed, I said: “I’ve got some free time, Ruby (his sister) is asleep, and I want to spend it with you because I love you.” Being 10, he looked at me weirdly and asked, “Is everything okay?” Then, I asked him:
- “What do you think about the girls at school?”
- “What does being a boy feel like for you?”
- “What do you think a good man does?”
I will respect his privacy with his answers, but it’s opened up a new, important, and ongoing conversation.
The Changes I’m Making
I’m now across his kids’ messenger, watching everything he says to both boys and girls. I’ve confronted him about some things that were not okay and made him apologize to the kids involved and their parents. I’m more involved with his school, communicating with teachers about what goes on in the schoolyard, and I’ve decided he will not have access to social media until an appropriate age.
I listen in on conversations when his friends are over. I watch him now more closely than ever as he enters this next phase of life. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I want to grab any opportunity to address things as they happen and open up the lines of communication so he feels heard and seen.
The Time is Now
Just like Jamie’s parents in Adolescence, we are all trying our best, but we can do better and we must. We don’t want to have regrets. I have a baby girl, and her welfare and safety are equally as important. I don’t want to ever say to her, “Sorry, I should’ve done better.” The time is now.
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