Some people are best friends with their siblings, but others can’t get along at all. Sibling rivalries exist childhood but they can continue far into adulthood. These relationships are complicated because on one hand, you have a shared history that no one will ever understand, and on the other, that history involves a lot of hurt, deliberate or not.
Sibling Rivalries or Maltreatment
As children, sibling rivalries are a natural and sometimes healthy part of development. They can help kids learn competitive and cooperative skills. However, there’s a difference between competition and maltreatment. The last involves a power imbalance that creates fear and anxiety. Maltreatment can involve name calling, insults, cold shoulders, humiliation, violence or threats, and refusing association with the sibling. It’s important not to mistake abuse for a normal rivalry. If the treatment is one-sided, it’s abuse and parents must intervene.
Overall, siblings can grow out of rivalries or resolve them as they mature. However, some rivalries can’t be easily brushed off. They can fester tension and resentment far into adulthood.
Rivals From Birth
According to psychology experts, sibling rivalries can begin as soon as the youngest is born. The elder child may see the new baby as a threat since they have taken over the parents’ focus. This can lead to the eldest acting aggressively against the baby, acting out for attention, or become more clingy. With proper attention, patience, and time, the siblings can slowly develop a relationship of their own and both can become confident in their place in the family.
The Purpose of Rivalry
The “jealous of the newborn” phase is one example of sibling rivalry but the emotional core rings true for others. John Duffy, a psychologist and author of Parenting the New Teen in the Age of Anxiety, has helped many young adults with this issue. “In my office, we talk through the purpose the rivalry served when they were children. They often indicate that the rivalry was motivating and inspiring at the time, but when we consider whether the rivalry continues to serve that purpose, it never does,” he said to HuffPost. “It just drives a wedge in a relationship that would otherwise be friendly and collegial.”
Signs of Adult Sibling Rivalries
- Viewing the sibling as an enemy
- Refusing to treat adult siblings as adults or equals
- Attempting to make the sibling feel bad about themselves
- Jealousy
- Competition and showing off
- Vying for parental attention and approval
- Interfering with the sibling’s life
- Perceived favoritism by the parent
Read More: Why Your Older Kids Shouldn’t (and Should) Babysit Their Siblings
Resolve or Go No-Contact?
The answer depends on the individual situation and the competition and hostility involved. “If it’s ongoing, sometimes going no-contact is the most healthy option for people,” said Kiaundra Jackson, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles. “Just because someone is blood-related doesn’t mean you have to stay in an unhealthy or toxic relationship.”
However, it’s often possible to make amends if one sibling is willing to reach out and take responsibility for their part in the rift. This can inspire the other to also take accountability and work to repair the relationship.
How to Start the Conversation
Don’t open the discussion with critisisms, says Joshua Coleman, a psychologist in the San Francisco area who specializes in estrangement and parental alienation. “If you just come in and talk about how abusive or narcissistic or toxic or whatever your sibling was, they’re probably not going to be very interested in what you have to say,” he said. “They’ll just get defensive.”
He advises starting with the desire for connection with them. “From there, you might say, ‘There are certain behaviors that you engage in with me ― perhaps I do with you as well ― that I find hurtful. Is that something that we can talk about and work on together? Can I give you more feedback about what I find hurtful or difficult or disruptive between us?’”
Listen, Listen, and Listen
In order to reach some level of resolution, both siblings need to be able to listen to each other. A therapist or other non-biased third-party may help facilitate a healthy conversation. Both siblings should have time to express how the rivalry or bullying affected them while the other sits in silence. They may be shocked at what they learn.
“Often, while hearing their sibling’s perspective, the siblings cry. Each is surprised to learn of the hurts the other suffered,” said Fern Schumer Chapman, author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation. “Siblings may discover the truth of their separate stories and see themselves as part of a larger dysfunction. When you truly hear one another, you can honor each other’s dignity and strengthen your own.”
Time to Walk Away
Sometimes estrangement is the best solution, especially for cases of abuse or when the sibling is unwilling to change or admit any wrongdoing. But Coleman recommends self-reflection before cutting ties. “Are you too sensitive to everyone? Are you constantly ghosting people in every aspect of your life? Are you accusing everybody of gaslighting you if they don’t agree with your perception of events? Are you just cutting out one more person because you can’t tolerate conflict?”
If resolution fails, Coleman advises expressing how the lack of willingness to communicate and improve makes it difficult to continue contact. Keep in mind, a temporary break from the relationship may help provide clarity and proper perspective. A break might also serve as a wake-up call for the siblings.
Put Yourself First
Fighting siblings don’t just hurt each other; they can negatively impact everyone around them, especially during family gatherings. But above all, the resentment hurts the two siblings. If mutual friends and family members shame the decision to cut contact, Coleman recommends being kind but firm. “Be empathic about their pain while firmly stating that you’ve worked hard to get your sibling to respond differently to you, but they’ve been either unwilling or unable — so this isn’t a decision you’ve made lightly,” he said to CNN. “You can’t just maintain a relationship with your sibling because your parent wants you to.”
Instead, find a support system outside of family members. Speak to a therapist to help heal from the experience, and find hobbies that help you regain your self-esteem.
Read More: Evidence Your Older Sibling Is Probably Smarter Than You