Red flags and green flags are big topics when it comes to dating. Red flags historically warn of incoming danger. Meanwhile, green flags refer to positive signals. A date who yells at the waitstaff? Red flag. A date who shows empathy to strangers? Green flag. But some red flags are not obvious. Sometimes they can seem like a positive sign. A dating expert reveals a phrase that sounds kind but has a sinister undertone.
“If you hear this line, get out now!”
Matchmaker and dating expert Louanna Ward dedicates her social media accounts to giving advice to singles and couples. One big topic is red flags in relationships, and she sheds light on a lesser-known one.
“When somebody says, ‘I don’t want to hurt you’, what they’re really saying is that they believe you have more feelings for them than what they have for you,” the dating expert says in an Instagram reel.
She explains that there wouldn’t be a fear of hurting you if the person was committed to the relationship “and they saw you as a future potential.” She adds, “The simple fact is, if someone doesn’t see you as potential for a long-term relationship, and they don’t have strong enough feelings for you, they can see that they’re potentially going to hurt you. And they’ve probably been guilty of doing this before.”
Read More: 10 Red Flags That You’re Dealing With A Toxic Girlfriend
Red Flag 1: “I don’t want to hurt you…”
The expert adds that a person may say it to sound like “nice, caring, kind person.” At the same time, it can ease their conscience. “They don’t have to feel guilty about it,” she continues, “because they warned you…”
People who hear “I don’t want to hurt you” should “get serious and ask yourself, ‘What am I doing with this person?’” Ward advises. “If they don’t see you as somebody that they want to have a relationship with, and they can end it at some point.” She reiterates that the person wouldn’t say that phrase if they “don’t have intention of ending it”.
Ward concludes saying, “So, if somebody says that to you, it’s time to re-evaluate and reassess, because this person is going to end up hurting you if you stay where you are.”
Red Flag 2: Lots of “Crazy Exes”
It’s natural to talk about past relationships with your current partner, whether in a passing joke or during a heartfelt discussion. No matter the case, notice the sort of language your partner uses to speak about someone they had once cared about. If they only mention how “crazy” the ex was, they are essentially blaming the end of the relationship on them while taking no accountability on themselves.
“The next crazy ex”
“If a potential mate describes their exes as crazy instead of taking 50% of the responsibility for any craziness that may have existed in past relationships, [there’s a good chance you could] become their next ‘crazy ex’,” said Amber Trueblood, LMFT, to Very Well Mind.
Additionally, frequent talk about an ex, positive or negative, may indicate they are not over that connection and they may be using you as a distraction or a way to process the past.
Read More: 15 Red Flags Someone Feels Secret Animosity Towards You
Red Flag 3: No friends
It can be difficult to make friends as an adult, but a person with little to no friends is a big red flag. It shows they may have issues with making and maintaining connections, which might become a problem in your relationship as well. Try to figure out the reason behind the alienation. If your partner seems to show a lack of motivation and personal culpability when it comes to friendship, it’s likely they’ll behave the same way for romantic interests.
Red Flag 4: Mean-spirited teasing
“It was only a prank” or “you can’t take a joke” aren’t get-out-of-jail-free cards. Some people may embarrass, disrespect, or even harm those around them and try to get away with it by calling it humor. Now, healthy couples may tease each other all the time. However, there’s a difference between loving teasing and mean-spirited jokes about a person’s flaws and mistakes. Jokes should be funny for both parties, even if it’s at one of their expense.
The biggest red flag comes when a person expresses how the jokes hurt their feelings, and the partner still continues saying them. At this point, this behavior becomes a dealbreaker, since it shows the person cares more about leveraging power in the relationship than their partner’s emotions and wellbeing.
Red Flag 5: They don’t truly listen
In a conversation with Self, couples counselor Folashade Adekunle, MEd, advises asking oneself: “How does this person show care about my interests and the things that are important to me?”
Are they on their phone when you are talking? Do they ask how the work meeting went? Do they remember details from your anecdotes? They may not share your taste in music, but they can name some of your favorite artists. They may not know the first thing about video games but they cheer you on when you get a high score. Or they have an idea of what you’ll order at a coffee shop.
“This is important to me”
Some people are better at remembering details than others. But if you notice that you don’t feel seen or heard, Adekunle advises expressing how important certain things are to you. The big red flag comes if the partner doesn’t improve their behavior in response.
What to do when you spot a red flag
The first step is communication, according to Holly Schiff, a licensed clinical psychologist. “Communication is a big part of it,” Schiff said to Today. “You know, talking it out and I think in some cases, and I’ve had some referrals come in this way, they’re seeking professional help.” Sometimes a person is unaware of the effects of their behavior, and they are open to feedback because they want to make the relationship work.
Read More: 11 Red Flags That Reveal a Toxic Relationship
“Stay or leave?”
Schiff also recommends getting a second opinion as well as support from friends and family. “I know everyone will be a little bit biased and have their own agendas, but I think it’s important to not be with yourself in your own head about this,” Schiff says. These people know you and your values, and they can help you decide if you should “leave a relationship” or “figure it out.”