Virginity is a social construct that comes with a lot of weight. Some people view being a virgin as a good thing, something to be praised or coveted. Others view it as a bad thing, indicating inexperience and not being “cool.” This mom spoke up on TikTok recently to explain why she teaches her daughters that virginity doesn’t exist. (1)
TikTok Mom Teaches Her Daughters That Virginity Doesn’t Exist
Cayce LaCorte is a mom to five daughters between the ages of seven and 16 living in Charleston, South Carolina. Recently, TikTok user @nevadashareef posted a video asking parents to share ways they raise their children that other people think are weird. (1)
@book_mama ##stitch with @nevadashareef ##virginityisamyth ##madmoms ##fuckthepatriarchy
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LaCorte posted a video explaining that she teaches her girls that virginity doesn’t exist. (1)
“It is a patriarchal concept used to control women and serves no purpose — other than making women feel bad about ourselves,” she explains in her video. “Sex is important. It’s a big deal. It should always be a big deal. It has nothing to do with your first time…it’s just ridiculous. The whole concept is ridiculous,” (1)
She says that having sex doesn’t change anything about yourself other than the fact that you’ve participated in an activity that you hadn’t before. It does not change your worth or who you are. (1)
She mentions that the concept of virginity is even more damaging to victims of sexual assault. (2)
@book_mama Reply to @remi_woo You are not soiled. You are amazing and brave and I hope I was able to help. ##virginityisamyth
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“We all have our own ‘assault/pressured into doing something I didn’t want’ story. We can all empathize,” she says. “For an entire society to tell you that your worth is tied to your virginity or purity, then have someone take that from you?! It’s heartbreaking and infuriating and makes me want to smash things.” (2)
“Won’t It Make Your Daughters More Promiscuous?”
This is a question that LaCorte often gets from other moms. She says that if you raise your children – boys and girls – to be good people, they will be okay. She raises her girls to make smart, empowered decisions and teaches them about their bodies, consent, and bodily autonomy early on. (3)
@book_mama Reply to @meghancarlisle7 I hope this answers your ?? I’m totally not a professional it’s just one ladies opinion.
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LaCorte regularly talks with her daughters about things like pregnancy, STDs, and self-worth – all in ways appropriate for the different ages of each of her girls. She says teaching girls that their first time should be “special” takes away from the fact that every time should be special. (2)
Not Just One “Big” Talk
One of the mistakes she thinks that parents make is having one big “sex-talk” (if they have one at all) when their kid reaches a certain age. Instead, she has lots of small conversations as they grow older. (2)
@book_mama Reply to @awildfemale I hope this helps in trying to explain these tough topics to you kids. rel=”noopener”>##virginityisamyth
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“I start young, focusing on body autonomy — not having to hug someone or let a relative kiss them. Make sure they understand the technical names for the parts of their bodies. I want them to know that it’s OK to cause a scene if they feel threatened or even just scared,” she explains. (2)
LaCorte says it’s wrong to think that talking about sex is just about sex. Rather, it’s tackling all of the societal pressures and norms that can lead up to it. For example, society teaches girls to be quiet and not “make a scene.” All this does is prevent girls from speaking up when something isn’t right. (2)
As each of her girls grows, she talks to them about gender norms, LGBTQ+, consent, and saying “no” when they want to stop. She teaches them to respect other people’s boundaries, healthy versus unhealthy forms of love, and what it looks like to control or manipulate them. They have conversations about gender fluidity, pronouns, and what it means to be a good partner. (2)
You Have to Be Comfortable to Make Them Comfortable
Many are raised in a society that meant talking about sex, and the things surrounding it were taboo. Many of us feel awkward talking about sex to anyone, let alone our children. She reminds parents that if they don’t talk to their kids about sex, they will learn it somewhere else – TV, social media, and their peers. These are places where they will often learn things that simply aren’t true. (2)
“I make sure I can debunk stuff that’s not true and answer any questions they have as honestly as possible,” she explains. “Kids are going to take their cues from us — they’re watching us all the time. If you’re uncomfortable and don’t want to talk about it, they’re less likely to come to you with questions, so take some time and analyze your own hang-ups as well,” (2)
Raise Boys The Same Way
Though LaCorte doesn’t have any boys herself, she says she would raise them the same way. Teaching kids about love, respect, boundaries, and that no one’s self-worth is bound to their sexual experiences is important regardless of who they are. (2)
One commenter who has sons agrees:
“And then there’s me with my boys raising them to realize they are not owed anything from a woman. If she says no at any point, back up! And be safe.” (2)
Virginity Doesn’t Exist, And the Concept Is Toxic
Not only does LaCorte not believe in the concept of virginity, but she also says that it is damaging at best.
“Purity culture is toxic at its core. Women are treated vastly different than men because its roots are steeped in a history of women being property. Can you imagine what the world would look like if society put half as much effort into making the world a safer place for women, instead of worrying that she’s not a virgin for her husband?” she says. (2)
Not sure how to approach the topic with your kids? LaCorte says just talk at their age level and keep it light – even funny if you can. Things like how the portrayal of women and men in the media, TV, or movies is a great conversation opener.
“My girls have grown up hearing me rant (with humor, of course, nothing too scary) about the patriarchy and how women are portrayed on TV and in movies. This isn’t a one-and-done kind of thing. It’s an overall approach to how we discuss things with our kids in general.” (2)
There are far more important things in life than whether or not you are a virgin. Let’s focus on properly educating our children on sex, consent, and self-worth instead of teaching them to judge themselves based on something that isn’t even real. Virginity doesn’t exist, but a healthy relationship with sex does.
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Sources
- Tiktok
- “This Mom Teaches Her Daughters That Virginity Doesn’t Exist, And Her Reasons Are So Important.” Buzz Feed. Krista Torres. February 24, 2021
- Tiktok