Is it ever okay to check your partner’s phone?

Have you ever wanted to check your partner’s phone? Have you ever gone ahead and done it? We’ve all been there. We’ve all thought about it. At least in one of our relationships at some point in our lives. But the question is, is it ever okay to check your partner’s phone? What if you found something more than you bargained for?

This newlywed bride suspected her husband was being unfaithful. She found something way worse.

Is it okay to check your partner’s phone?

While many of us believe it’s an invasion of privacy, there are times where trusting your inner voice is the right thing to do. And, it was exactly the right thing to do for 47-year-old Jane Gaskin, who found the last thing you’d ever expect if you were to check your partner’s phone.

It had been a mere ten weeks since their wedding day when Jane decided to have a peek at her new husband, David Huggins, cell phone. Instead of finding messages to another woman, Jane found indecent images of children.[1]

Trusting your instincts

In Janes’s instance, checking her husband’s phone ended up being the right thing to do. David Huggins received an eight-month suspended sentence and was ordered to sign the sex offender’s register for 10 years.

Sadly, Jane is still married to David as she was denied annulment.[1]

“I had absolutely no idea. When he lost interest in sex and became secretive around his phone, I became suspicious that he had another woman. 

I checked his phone, expecting to find evidence he was seeing someone, but what I saw was far worse. 

To think I married a man as sick as him has destroyed me, but it’s the poor children that I really feel for. They are the true victims. I want to share my story to warn other women and encourage people to report sick men like David. 

It broke me, but it was the right thing to do because men like him need to be stopped.”

Jane Gaskin

Do you feel the need to check your partner’s phone?

Apart from breaking trust, you are invading your partner’s privacy. Not to mention the fact that you will feel incredibly guilty if you don’t find anything “bad.“ There are always better and more honorable ways to get that sort of information if you really need it.

Here’s what Mary Lamia, PhD, clinical psychologist has to say about it:[2]

“You do not want to live your life having to snoop in order to feel safe or loved.

Someone might snoop because their needs feel unmet by their partner, and they are trying to make sense of the disconnection or rejection they feel. Or, they may snoop because they imagine they are inadequate, thereby becoming convinced that their partner is attracted to someone else.”

So, if you’re plagued by doubt, you must take a look at your own expectations and hesitations, based on your personal history.”

It turns out, four out of ten people in the UK admit to checking their partner’s phones weekly.

Relate counselor Simone Bose says a lot of us who feel the need to check our partner’s phone do it because we are insecure, and the best way to combat that urge is to work on communication with our partners [3]

“I don’t think there are any positives to snooping on a partner’s phone, because everyone is entitled to privacy, but this issue does sometimes come up, especially if there’s an imbalance in the relationship. It can happen when somebody has been betrayed in some way in the past, has low self-worth, or if one person is more affectionate than the other.

If one of you is snooping into your partner’s private messages, you need to ask yourself why you don’t trust them, or vice versa. Is it due to insecurity or low self-worth? If so, where does this come from? Then you need to work on communication – for example, if you’re looking for more affection, how can you get more reassurance?“

Simone Bose

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