Sometimes, the process of becoming a parent is difficult. And that is an understatement for Joy Wright who found herself at a Burger King in Kankakee, Illinois, late at night to meet her sperm donor. She waited outside the men’s bathroom to receive a paper cup of sperm before going into the women’s to get inseminated. In a post she wrote for HuffPost, “I would do anything for a baby of my own ― even pick up free sperm at a fast-food chain.” [1]
Wright is 34 years old, identifies as a lesbian, and referred to herself as “desperate”. “I’d wanted a baby since I was a little girl carrying a baby doll everywhere, sure that everyone believed she was real and knowing that someday she would be.” However, becoming a parent for LGBTQ people is hardly an easy endeavor. As Wright explained, “From the beginning there are ethical, financial and legal decisions to be made, not the least of which is, Will I try to have a birth child, and if so, how?”
Inseminated With Frozen Sperm
So, Wright chose to go with frozen sperm and get inseminated. Keep in mind that this process becomes costly very quickly. Although Wright went with at-home insemination, which is cheaper than in-clinic, it’s more likely to fail and has some medical risks involved. Remember, it’s normal to have to try multiple times before becoming pregnant — even for those having sexual intercourse. But when you have to pay for every flask of sperm, the process becomes expensive very easily. [2]
In Wright’s case, her process began with calling the clinic the day before she’s supposed to ovulate. Then she collects the fluid in its futuristic-looking metal container. “At home, I’d open the metal tube ― vapors pouring over the lip and rising around my hands ― and slowly lift out one of the two tiny vials of sperm. I’d inseminate myself using a needleless syringe, just as the clinic showed me to do, two days in a row, and then return the giant capsule. I repeated this process unsuccessfully for several months.”
This endeavor became so expensive, her supportive friends threw her a fundraising party. Nevertheless, the money dried up quickly. However, a new opportunity opened up while Wright attended an intuitive healing workshop. The attendants formed pairs for an exercise where they looked into each other’s eyes and mirrored their movements. Although she had never met her partner, Drake, before, she “felt this profound connection to him.”
Finding a Donor
During lunch, Wright ended up telling him about her unsuccessful story so far. He suggested she find a donor directly to avoid the costs of frozen sperm. And the next day, Drake called her and offered to be her donor. “Drake and his wife had not wanted children, but he felt a loss at not passing on his genes to another generation. He was tall and brilliant and approached our arrangement in a straightforward and gentle way. He was perfect.”
They worked out all of the complications except one: She lived in Chicago and he lived in Normal, Illinois with a two-and-a-half drive in between, plus traffic. Nevertheless, they arranged for her to visit them over a weekend. “After dinner, we got down to business. Shortly after retiring to a room on the lower level, Drake returned with a coffee cup full of his fresh semen. Using my handy little syringe to squirt the valuable fluid right up to my cervix, I inseminated myself in a room full of windows looking out into the woods.”
Despite the seemingly perfect conditions, Wright didn’t become pregnant. And unfortunately, it wasn’t realistic for her to come by for the weekend every month. Ovulation is a small window of time that doesn’t care about convenience, especially when there’s a two-and-a-half drive involved.
Inseminated At Burger King
Wright’s next ovulation period occurred during the week and she had to be at work before 7 a.m. When she called Drake, he said, “Forget the trip to downstate. Just meet me at the Burger King in Kankakee.” This effectively shortened her journey and is how she ended up getting inseminated at a Burger King.
“Inside the Burger King, I tried to look casual as I waited just outside the men’s room,” she wrote. “Coolly, without the least bit of awkwardness, Drake walked out of the men’s room, handed me a Burger King cup full of his semen, smiled, and headed out of the restaurant. Looking around, I took the cup into the women’s room and used my little syringe to inseminate it in one of the stalls.”
However, this didn’t lead to her happy ending. Despite all of the hassle and hopes, no pregnancy. Wright got infertility tests, paying for some of the tests out of pocket because “my insurance plan specifically stated that in order for this costly testing to be covered, I had to have sexual intercourse in a heterosexual relationship for at least a year.” The results showed blocked tubes.
The Path to Parenthood for LGBTQ
In her post, Wright explained, “The path to parenthood as a queer person can be a marathon ― it takes stamina and determination… It’s much better than it was when I began my process, but LGBTQ people must still push to be seen as potential parents. Each road ― whether it’s insemination, IVF, surrogacy, or adoption ― is an uphill battle.
“Add infertility, and the climb gets steeper. Medical and insurance policies, as well as adoption programs and legal procedures, are designed for the heterosexual user.” Although LGBTQ couples can legally adopt in all 50 states, some adoption professionals or agencies are more discriminatory than others, making an already difficult process even more complicated. [3]
“For me, however, not being a mother was not an option,” wrote Wright. In the end, she decided that adoption is the route for her. In fact, her partner became committed not only to her but to her future adopted children. “Three years later, a beautiful infant boy became ours. His feisty little toddler sister came home two-and-a-half years after that. I became a mom in a two-mom family.”
Sources:
- “I Got Inseminated In A Burger King Bathroom Just Off Route 57.” HuffPost. Joy Wright.
- “Having a Baby When You Identify as LGBTQ.” Very Well Family. Rachel Gurevich, RN.February 5, 2021
- “LGBTQ Adoption: Can Same-Sex Couples Adopt?” American Adoptions.