14 Things People Regret the Most When They’re Dying

Regret is a powerful emotion, sometimes almost a debilitating one. It can make people focus on the past and incapable of looking ahead. However, for people on their deathbeds, there is no future, only memories. Although death is an uncomfortable reality most individuals prefer not to think about, looking at people’s dying regrets can help them avoid the same mistakes.

Bronnie Ware, former hospice nurse and author of Top Five Regrets of the Dying, has observed many people going gentle into that good night. They tend to experience a cycle of denial, anger, fear, remorse, then acceptance of the inevitable. When she asked about their biggest regrets, five themes kept recurring.

I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me

“This was the most common regret of all,” writes Ware on her blog. “When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize until they no longer have it.”

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I wish I hadn’t worked so hard

Ware explains that this sentiment had come from all of her male patients. “They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

She found that many people chose to ignore their own feelings and desires in order to please others. They avoided rocking the boat. “As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Loneliness was a common feeling, Ware explains. And with it comes deep remorse for taking their friends for granted and letting these relationships slip away. “There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

I wish I had let myself be happier

“This is a surprisingly common one,” writes Ware. “Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to themselves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

I wish I had chosen a better life partner

Karl Pillemer, a gerontologist at Cornell University, has also studied deathbed regrets. He and his team interviewed about 1,500 people aged 65+ about their life choices and published them in 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans. And one common lesson involved not being careful when choosing their life partner. As one woman who survived a bad relationship told Pillemer, it’s better to never get married than to marry the wrong person.

I wish I had made amends

The people who were the most miserable about their life choices included parents who had a disagreement with a child who was now estranged. Almost all of them wished they had tried harder to make peace, communicate, or apologize.

“The kinds of things that seemed worth saying ‘My way or the highway’ when you were 40 and they were 18 usually never seem worth it at 80,” he said. “Even if their relationships with their other children were great, the one with whom there was this irreparable rift still caused them a lot of remorse and anguish.”

I wish I had said ‘I love you’ more

Many older men admitted regretting not expressing more love and affection to their wives. However, the sentiment was found for many people who didn’t show as much care or gratitude as they wished they would.

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I wish I had traveled more

People tend to wait to travel until after their retirement, but many people are unable to because of their health. Even those who traveled widely had regrets, as Pillemer explained, they would end their interviews with a wistful “but I never got to Japan,” or a similar regret.

I wish I hadn’t worried so much

It may seem silly, but many people regret regretting. They had wasted time worrying about things that never happened or things out of their control. “Life is so short. What you will regret is weeks or months of the kind of mindless, self-destructive ruminating worrying that people do,” many individuals said to Pillemer. “You’re going to wish you had that time back.”

I wish I was more honest

One may be able to live a lie but it’s much harder to die with one. Deceit tended to gnaw at people, whether it was unfaithfulness in a relationship or cheating in business. 

I wish I had taken a career change

Pillember didn’t expect so many people to regret not taking chances when it came to their careers. They said they wished they had taken a career move and felt remorse over feeling too comfortable in the job they stayed in.

I wish I had taken better care of my body

Health choices may seem insignificant to young people, but many older people regret not taking care of their bodies. For instance, they tended to be those who smoked, didn’t exercise, or became obese. “Many people will say to themselves, ‘I enjoy smoking’ or ‘I don’t like to exercise’ or ‘I just like to eat — who cares if I die a little sooner?’” Pillemer said. “The problem in this day and age is you’re not going to die sooner; you’re going to be stuck with 10 or 20 years of chronic disease as modern medicine keeps you alive.”

I wish I didn’t take the future for granted

For Maryanne O’Hara—an end-of-life doula and author of Little Matches: A Memoir of Finding Light in the Dark—deathbed regrets can be summarized with one idea: “We always think we have more time,” she says. She explains that with this mentality, “it’s easy to lose sight of larger questions of meaning and purpose and respond to what’s demanding your attention at the moment.” She encourages people to stop focusing on daily stresses and instead savor all of life’s little pleasures and prioritize loved ones above everything else.

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