When parents find out their children are expecting a child, it usually is a happy announcement, met with an excited response. However, when their children are still children themselves, it usually raises a red flag or two. Teenage pregnancies are not uncommon in the modern world, and parents are having to find solutions to these expected situations. One mother wants to know whether or not she is an “Asshole” for asking her daughter to move out before her baby is born. The internet lends their opinions.
“Am I an ass****?“
The mother took to social media to find out whether or not she is acting rationally. Her daughter had just told her she is pregnant, and she is only 17 years old. The mother had just retired, and they had a count down till her husband joined her in retirement. Of all the plans they imagined, raising another baby was not one of them. “My 17-year-old daughter (youngest, and we had her late) is seven weeks pregnant (she will be 18 by the time she gives birth),” said u/notinmyhouse123.
She added that her daughter, “is not in a relationship with the father. He reeaallyyy — I can’t stress this enough — does not want a baby. I honestly don’t even think he’ll show up for the birth or anything. She urged her to end the pregnancy, and apparently so did the baby daddy. But, her daughter wanted to go on with it.”
“It’s not fair to us“
So, she asks in her Reddit thread whether or not she is being an asshole for asking her daughter to move out before the baby is born. “I’m very recently retired, and my husband is retiring in exactly 11 months (there’s a countdown), and this is not how I want to spend my retirement years,” she wrote. “It’s not fair to us. So, I told her that she has until the baby is born to find a place to live.
“My husband has always been wrapped around her finger (which normally is endearing; I love how much he loves our children), so he is not fully on board with that, but I feel like we need to be united on this. I just want to know if I’m in the wrong here. I will help her get a job,” said the mother. “[And] get on assistance if need be, find affordable housing, etc. — I just will not raise this baby.”
“Not the asshole“
u/MissKaycie as one person who agreed with her decision. She thinks it is reasonable to ask her to “act like an adult”. “Not the asshole,” they wrote. “She chose to go through with this pregnancy, and if she is mature enough, in her mind, to be a mom, then she is mature enough to figure out her situation. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t help out when you can, but to assume that you will be always available for her to watch the child while she works is unreasonable and shows how little she has planned for this. It’s definitely a no-win situation, but I don’t think you are being an asshole for asking her to act like an adult.”
“Find a boyfriend to help out.”
u/Funholiday was a teen mom herself. She offers her first-hand experience. “Having been through this myself, the hardest part for your daughter is going to be finding a well-paying first shift job,” she wrote. “The sucky part is that most jobs for people this age are service requiring work past 6 p.m. There are very few day cares that are open past 6 p.m. She may be able to get a part-time first shift job during daycare hours, but that won’t pay the bills. This is how women become dependent on men because the easiest solution is to find a boyfriend to help out.”
Another person gives her view, having friends in similar situations. “I have seen my friend go down this road, and she is practically raising her grandson and supporting the parents,” said u/Evil_Mel. “It is draining her, emotionally and financially. Your daughter has made her choice to be a parent, which equals being an adult. She will be 18 when the baby is born. Helping her get a job and assistance is all you need to do.”
“You can still be supportive“
According to the website, Adoption.org, you can still be supportive for your pregnant teenage daughter while supporting her at the same time. This does not necessarily mean financially. But, you can help her out along the way. “There is nothing wrong with having your daughter raise her child on her own,” says the website. “You can still be supportive, while not enabling her and allowing her to put the responsibilities on you. You can still be helpful without losing the life you planned for yourself and without taking on too much of her responsibilities.“
So, if the decision is for your child to make, all you can do is learn to cope with the idea of becoming a grandparent. Psychcentral has some great tips on what to do when your child tells you they are expecting, and how to handle the situation. Some of their suggestions include: “Stay calm as possible. Even if your gut is churning and you want to scream, this situation isn’t about you, it’s about your daughter.”
“Show you are there for her”
They also urge you to “show you are there for her, by asking her to walk you through what happened and how she feels about it. This will give her the opportunity to cry, vent, and allow her fears to come out. It also gives you valuable information so you don’t start jumping to conclusions.”
Another tip is to “find out if the father knows and if his parents know. You may feel very angry toward him at this moment, but try not to vilify him. Making him the enemy could cause a rift that becomes impossible to reconcile.” Furthermore, the website suggests that you avoid imposing your own beliefs on your child. “Don’t try to force your views on what she should do with her pregnancy. Take some time to consider all the options available to her and seek professional guidance if you can.”
- “Here’s The Whole Story Of Why This Mom Is Making Her Pregnant Teen Move Out Before Her Baby Is Born…But Is She In The Wrong?” Buzzfeed. Krista Tores. August 24, 2022.
- “How Can Parents Help Their Unexpectedly Pregnant Daughter?“ Adoption.org. May 3, 2019
- “Discovering Your Teenage Daughter is Pregnant: 10 Tips for Parents.”