woman looking out the window holding a cup of coffee
Sarah Biren
Sarah Biren
January 19, 2024 ·  4 min read

I’m Tired of Basic Human Needs Being Seen As “Self-Care” for Women

Most people agree that self-care is imperative for moms. Articles and memes declaring this are all over the internet, and for a good reason. ‘Mom guilt’ often prevents mothers from taking care of themselves as they should. They are too busy providing for their kids, to the point that they neglect themselves entirely, missing sleep, healthy meals, and ‘me time.’ Taking time for themselves feels like a luxury, but it’s not. But when many moms try to do this, it’s not self-care. They are just fulfilling their basic human needs. 

Basic Human Needs Is Not Self-Care

Sitting down to eat, grocery shopping alone, going to the bathroom, taking a nap after a sleepless night, and taking a shower is not self-care. Neither is taking a sick day or drinking a cup of coffee, or taking some time to collect your thoughts. These are basic human needs, and conflating them with self-care is extremely damaging. [1]

Often the burden on mothers is so intense that taking any time for themselves—any time at all—feels like self-care or even a luxury. Mom guilt often prevents them from enjoying an enriching activity while there’s laundry to fold or dinner to cook.

But here’s the thing: Self-care is supposed to refuel and bring joy. While sitting down to eat real food may feel like a gift, it’s really a basic human need that has been neglected. That doesn’t make it self-care. 

Somehow mothers managed to convince themselves that working, even multi-tasking, is self-care. Like listening to an audiobook while cooking or cleaning a spill “because the mess bothers me, and I’ll feel better when it’s gone.” Stereotypically, men don’t seem to struggle with this. Not many fathers would believe that mowing the lawn while listening to music or taking a walk to throw out the trash is their self-care because it’s not. Self-care is the time they take to go to the gym or meet up with friends. They are very different kinds of activities.

Self-care is a necessity, not an indulgence,” says Emma Bennett, LCSW, who specializes in working with new moms. “We need to nurture ourselves just like we nurture our children. If we don’t take care of ourselves, feelings of depletion, resentment, and isolation could potentially arise. I feel more centered and present after taking time to engage in self-care, and strongly believe in building it into my daily agenda.[2]

Read: I Was So Happy To Become A Mom, But I Don’t Recognize Myself Anymore

Prioritizing Self-Care

Self-care is an active decision, not something people may do automatically—unlike a basic human need. It’s not providing the bare minimum to function.

No one would give a loved one the “self-care” advice they give to themselves. “Take a hot shower, you deserve it!” or “You go eat while the food is still hot!” However, kids learn from examples. And when their moms neglect themselves, they learn that me-time isn’t important.

Our children look to us and how we treat ourselves,” says Bennett. “This goes for many things: how we speak to ourselves, how we treat our bodies, how we value our time. Modeling healthy self-care can be helpful for our children to witness and internalize. We are teaching them that taking care of yourself matters just as much as taking care of your family.”

However, the real challenge of self-care is making time. But ‘making time’ doesn’t necessarily mean to adopt a more efficient schedule or menu plan. After all, a mom may love to attend an art or yoga class for her self-care, but after weeks of sleep deprivation, an hour-long nap is much more appealing. Some mothers are aware that they neglect self-care, but it’s because they are struggling to meet their basic human needs. They shouldn’t be made to feel bad that they aren’t taking care of themselves, not when they are drowning in stress. [3] For this reason, it’s okay if self-care is short and simple, like a skincare regime or five minutes of meditation. But how to make time when there’s literally none?

How to Make Time

Make time by delegating and never be embarrassed to ask for help. Arrange carpools instead of driving the kids to school every day. Take up offers of child care, even if it’s holding the baby for ten minutes during dinner. Make connections in the community so the mothers could help each other out in turn. Mom guilt may tell mothers they have to do it all, but they don’t. And don’t forget about the father if he’s in the picture. Dads are parents as much as mothers are.

Although moms do so much for their families—they are real-life superheroes—they tend to forget this for themselves. Despite spending all their time devoted to others, mothers could feel bad about themselves at the end of the day. Many experience feelings of lowered self-worth and tend to “forget who they are” as they are absorbed into their motherhood role. [4] But moms are people too. And they deserve the time to enjoy nature, hobbies, and their personal desires. That is why self-care isn’t a luxury, and neither are basic human needs. After caring for others, moms deserve to care for themselves, too—without the guilt. 

Keep Reading: Why Being a Single Mom is Something to Be Thankful For

Sources

  1. This Mom’s Viral Video Shows the Absurdity of Calling the Basic Needs of Moms ‘Self-Care’.”  Parents. Melissa Mills.
  2. “Putting Your Family First Doesn’t Make You a Better Mom.Good House Keeping. Marisa Lascala.
  3. “The pressure for moms to prioritize self-care is a bunch of BS.Today’s Parent. Erin Pepler.
  4. “How to Practice Self-Care as a New Mom.Very Well Family. Rachel Gurevich, RN.